This just in: Robert Mueller has vowed that he will swiftly turn his attention towards improper conduct in Humboldt County once he concludes his investigation into President Trump and Russian meddling in the presidential election.
“It’s only natural I take on the task of rooting out the stench of corruption in one of the U.S.’ s most politically corrupt areas,” Mueller said to a room crowded with journalists, who all quietly asked their neighbor where the hell Humboldt is.
Though Humboldt’s not big on the national radar, anyone who has had their ear to the ground over the past 15 years will tell you that any one of our bigger elections was chock full of back-room collusion at the least, if not outright improper conduct and fundraising shenanigans.
And, let’s be real, anonymous donors and bags of cash on the door step are just kind of the way things have been done around here for a while.
At THC, we assume that this includes almost any and every “major” politician in our County, considering that each and every one of our Supervisors were rumored to be on the take from cannabis farmers or developers or environmental groups at one time or another.(THC, in fact, has semi-implicated all three groups. Whoops!)
But will Mueller’s investigation stop there? Aside from the usual suspects in office, who would draw attention in our local scene for being a little too chummy with our politicos?
Most recently, Humboldt’s anti-Harbor folks got there panties all bunched up over the Harbor District race, when people were throwing out accusations at Greg Dale for his involvement in deals made with the company he runs. (Also of note – apparently all those accusations were bullshit, because the lawsuit against Dale and the Harbor District has gone exactly nowhere. Sorry Greg!)
But who could Mueller target? We’d assume that an easy – and popular! – candidate for investigation would be Humboldt’s wayward son, Robin Arkley, but that’s just too easy. But we’re guessing Mueller wouldn’t have to look far when it comes to ol’ Rob, either.
(THC has also personally contacted Mueller’s office to request that he determine once and for all who has the biggest ego, Trump or Arkley, but that could take years. Fingers crossed, kiddos.)
Of course, we’d be happy to help Mueller in any way that we can – especially since we have reason to believe Russian meddling impacted one of Humboldt’s most prestigious annual elections just this past year. (In case you need a refresher on that dastardly deed: BREAKING: Russian hacking, HAF behind Cleary’s sudden win in THC’s biggest asshole competition
So…who’s on the person of interest list, Humboldt?