Humboldt County courts Amazon’s second headquarters; offers to rename County and all of County’s land

You may have heard about giant company Amazon and their search for a city to locate their. Cities throughout the U.S. have been falling all over themselves to bring Amazon to their backyard, hungry for the promise of creating 50,000 new jobs. Amazon went ahead and asked cities to sell the company on why they should be lucky enough to host the new mega-site.

Here’s a link to Amazon’s request for proposals: Amazon RFP

Humboldt County, no stranger to lack of an economic future of any kind, made sure to plan a proposal of their own – and it’s a doozy.  THC is confident in saying that, at no other time in our County’s history, has the evidence of our elected leaders’ desire and willingness to bring businesses and jobs to our communities been put so proudly on display.

THC has luckily gotten our hands on a copy of Humboldt’s proposal letter. Unfortunately, it’s unclear whether the County was ultimately successful in actually submitting the proposal, with all of those cannabis permits they’re busy doing nothing with taking up so much of their time. But at least they tried, right everybody?

We’ve only included Humboldt County’s answers to the direct questions posed by Amazon – we’ll work on uploading the entire document in the near future.

AMAZON RFP RESPONSE

County of Humboldt

Amazon Question 1: 1. Please provide information regarding potential buildings/sites that meet the criteria described herein. Along with general site information, please provide the current ownership structure of the property, whether the state/province, or local governments control the property, the current zoning of the site, and the utility infrastructure present at  the site.

Humboldt Answer 1: Okay so, there’s like totally lots of industrial land here like tons of it but it’s all pretty much in the coastal zone so we can’t really tell you if you can use it or not, gotta ask permission from Coastal Commission but that’s no prob because our boy Sundberg’s on the commission so it’s a no brainer. And we own all that stuff, the zoning is terrible and we can’t really do much for you because we’ve never done anything to accommodate any business before and we’re super afraid of change so why try right? Haha, p.s. does your business involve boats? That’ll be a problem. But we’ll navigate that channel when we get to it, right?

Amazon Question 2: Please provide a summary of total incentives offered for the Project by the state/province and local community. In this summary, please provide a brief description of the incentive  item, the timing of incentive payment/realization, and a calculation of the incentive amount. Please describe any specific or unique eligibility requirements mandated by each incentive  item. With respect to tax credits, please indicate whether credits are refundable,  transferable, or may be carried forward for a specific period of time. If the incentive includes free or reduced land costs, include the mechanism and approvals that will be required. Please also include all timelines associated with the approvals of each incentive. We acknowledge a Project of this magnitude may require special incentive legislation in order for the state/province to achieve a competitive incentive proposal. As such, please indicate if any incentives or programs will require legislation or other approval methods. Ideally, your submittal includes a total value of incentives, including the specified benefit time period.

Humboldt Answer 2: Uhhh….can you define incentive for us? One time, we had an economic development person and they made a bunch of videos of the beach. Like that?

Amazon Question 3: If any of the programs or incentives described in the summary of total incentives are  uncertain or not guaranteed, please explain the factors that contribute to such uncertainty and estimate the approximate level of certainty. Please also describe any applicable claw backs or recapture provisions required for each incentive item.

Humboldt Answer 3: No uncertainty here whatsoever – we’re absolutely certain there will be no incentives! BOOM! Next question.

Amazon Question 4: Please provide a timetable for incentive approvals at the state/province and local levels, including any legislative approvals that may be required.

Humboldt Answer 4: ….pass?

Amazon Question 5: Please provide labor and wage rate information in the general job categories described.Please provide relevant labor pool information and your ability to attract talent regionally. Also, include specific opportunities to hire software development engineers and recurring sourcing opportunities for this type of employment. Please include all levels of talent available in the MSA, including executive talent and the ability to recruit talent to the area.

Humboldt Answer 5: Oh, tons of talent for you to recruit around here. Loads of it. You won’t even have to do recruiting, Humboldt County naturally attracts talented individuals who work hard, and we’re totally not suffering the effects of brain drain.

Amazon Question 6: Please include programs/partnerships currently available and potential creative programs with higher education institutions in the region in your response. Please also include a list of universities and community colleges with relevant degrees and the number of students  graduating with those degrees over the last three years. Additionally, include information on your local/regional K-12 education programs related to computer science.

Humboldt Answer 6: Well we’ve got HSU and they’re….actually, pass.

Amazon Question 7: Please provide highway, airport, and related travel and logistics information for all proposed sites. Please also include transit and transportation options for commuting employees living in the region. For each proposed site in your region, identify all transit options, including bike lanes and pedestrian access to the site(s). Also, list the ranking of traffic congestion for your community and/or region during peak commuting times.

Humboldt Answer 7: This is like, a really long RFP, Amazon. Not cool.

Amazon Question 8:Please include information on your community with respect to daily living, recreational opportunities, diversity of housing options, availability of housing near potential sites for HQ2, and pricing, among other information. Please also include relevant crime data and cost of living data.

Humboldt Answer 8: Let’s see…wait! We actually do have outdoor recreational opportunities! And mini-golf! We’re pretty desperate for housing but we’re thinking that you could just have your employees crash out at their desks, or maybe get some cots together in the warehouse? They could always stay at the old K-mart, but we hear it’s filling up fast so you guys will probably want to put down a deposit. Let’s skip the crime part.

Amazon Question 9: Please use your response as an opportunity to present any additional items and intangible considerations with respect to your state/province and community that Amazon should include in its analysis.

Humboldt Answer 9: We’ve got a lot of pot. And you can rename the County whatever you want, like Amazonia or something. Hell Jeff Bezos can have all 5 supervisors positions for life.

Cultural Community FitThe Project requires a compatible cultural and community environment for its long-term success. This includes the presence and support of a diverse population, excellent institutions of higher education, local government structure and elected officials eager and willing to work with the company, among other attributes. A stable and consistent business climate is important to Amazon. Please demonstrate characteristics of this in your response. We encourage testimonials from other large companies.

Humboldt: Oh we’ve got great testimonials. Here:

PL/Maxxam – “We are broke”
Yakima – “We moved”
Green Diamond – “Oregon’s Nice, wanna buy some property?”
Sierra Pacific – “Went to high school there, ahh the memories”
LP – “Ungrateful assholes”
Umpqua Bank – “We moved”
Evergreen Pulp – “China’s better”
United Airlines – “Good return on investment”
Cannabis Farmers – “Makes excellent pancakes”

That’s all THC could drum up for now, readers. We’ll see what else we can get our hands on.

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3 Responses to Humboldt County courts Amazon’s second headquarters; offers to rename County and all of County’s land

  1. Lynn Mae says:

    I just got the email. I needed this. I really, really needed it.
    I don’t know how to compliment you because, well because it’s
    blown my mind in a very good way. It made me feel good. Like
    fresh clean water after murky, mountain air after street pollution.
    You’ve done yourself (and your mom) proud. You’ve made it a
    good day for me. Thank you.

    Like

  2. John Chiv says:

    Agree with Lynn Mae. This brought back memories of Humboldt Mirror

    Like

  3. Harold Wood says:

    😂😂😂😂😂🆒

    Like

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