THC has been sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone else to come up with the obvious answer to the City of Eureka’s homeless problem. After all, we hate having to be brilliant and helpful and insightful all of the time, but somebody’s gotta do it.
So, when considering how contentious the Eureka City Council’s meeting was this past Tuesday, we saw the final piece of the homeless puzzle fall into place. While everyone else was so focused on calling each other dicks for either being heartless bastards that didn’t care about the human beings we call bums down at the Devil’s Playground, or conversely by pointing out how soft and stupid others were for thinking that compassion is the answer to eradicating homelessness, THC was busy placing an order for a revolutionary product that was featured in the national press and some local rags as well.
We ordered it in the boatloads, and it’s called Ultra-Ever Dry, and it repels piss back at the piss-er (or piss-ee?) like the Lord’s own golden-yellow comeuppance. THC would explain how it works, but we aren’t scientists. And we have some cool visuals that will do it for us. Behold:
Yikes! That pee looks like it’s coming in hot! (Or around 98° F, to be more exact.)
As you may recall, there was a spectacular failure a few years back when a number of concrete benches were installed in Old Town Eureka, only to be removed within a few months after they were monopolized by the homeless population. Parklets provide the answer to that hang-up.
We say screw the “pilot” parklet program and go full bore and put them everywhere. Parklets on every corner! This will completely eliminate parking in Old Town, and we say good riddance! Such a move will be completely in keeping with the City of Eureka’s attempts to kill all business in the most desirable down town locations. Finally, business will be kaput and the homeless can officially take over Old Town and the waterfront.
So long as we coat all of the parklets in the piss-resistant Ultra Ever-Dry, bums can use the parklets to sleep on after they get swept out of the Devil’s Playground, and they won’t even have to worry about finding a bathroom. (Not that they trouble themselves with that at the moment, but now they can do it even more guilt free! Yay!) This will allow human excrement to flow even more freely into the bay and ocean than it currently does from Devil’s Playground, provided we coat the gutters in Ever-Dry too.
Most importantly, this will allow the City Council to continue their policy of being completely spineless pansies and give them an easy way out of taking any sort of stand on the homeless conundrum. As an added bonus, they’ll be able to shift the cost of providing homes to homeless throughout Eureka onto the shoulders of the private sector.
Bravo, City of Eureka and Eureka Council members – you did it!
On an unrelated matter of business, we’d like to announce August’s Top Commenter Award, which will be taken home by none other than: milldoin!
Milldoin has been a stalwart of THC comments almost from the very start, and we cannot say enough how much we appreciate his appreciation of us. Keep your eyes open for a gift from us, milldoin, and keep up the good work.