Pee-proof parklets provide the answer to homeless housing problem

THC has been sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone else to come up with the obvious answer to the City of Eureka’s homeless problem. After all, we hate having to be brilliant and helpful and insightful all of the time, but somebody’s gotta do it.

So, when considering how contentious the Eureka City Council’s meeting was this past Tuesday, we saw the final piece of the homeless puzzle fall into place. While everyone else was so focused on calling each other dicks for either being heartless bastards that didn’t care about the human beings we call bums down at the Devil’s Playground, or conversely by pointing out how soft and stupid others were for thinking that compassion is the answer to eradicating homelessness, THC was busy placing an order for a revolutionary product that was featured in the national press and some local rags as well.

We ordered it in the boatloads, and it’s called Ultra-Ever Dry, and it repels piss back at the piss-er (or piss-ee?) like the Lord’s own golden-yellow comeuppance. THC would explain how it works, but we aren’t scientists. And we have some cool visuals that will do it for us. Behold:

Pee bounce

Yikes! That pee looks like it’s coming in hot! (Or around 98° F, to be more exact.)

Now, the formerly controversial topic of parklets – which will be coming to Eureka but lost the lime light due to that pesky homelessness protest – are integral to THC’s solution.

As you may recall, there was a spectacular failure a few years back when a number of concrete benches were installed in Old Town Eureka, only to be removed within a few months after they were monopolized by the homeless population. Parklets provide the answer to that hang-up.

We say screw the “pilot” parklet program and go full bore and put them everywhere. Parklets on every corner! This will completely eliminate parking in Old Town, and we say good riddance! Such a move will be completely in keeping with the City of Eureka’s attempts to kill all business in the most desirable down town locations. Finally, business will be kaput and the homeless can officially take over Old Town and the waterfront.

So long as we coat all of the parklets in the piss-resistant Ultra Ever-Dry, bums can use the parklets to sleep on after they get swept out of the Devil’s Playground, and they won’t even have to worry about finding a bathroom. (Not that they trouble themselves with that at the moment, but now they can do it even more guilt free! Yay!) This will allow human excrement to flow even more freely into the bay and ocean than it currently does from Devil’s Playground, provided we coat the gutters in Ever-Dry too.

Most importantly, this will allow the City Council to continue their policy of being completely spineless pansies and give them an easy way out of taking any sort of stand on the homeless conundrum. As an added bonus, they’ll be able to shift the cost of providing homes to homeless throughout Eureka onto the shoulders of the private sector.

Bravo, City of Eureka and Eureka Council members – you did it!


On an unrelated matter of business, we’d like to announce August’s Top Commenter Award, which will be taken home by none other than: milldoin!

Milldoin has been a stalwart of THC comments almost from the very start, and we cannot say enough how much we appreciate his appreciation of us. Keep your eyes open for a gift from us, milldoin, and keep up the good work.

Sincerely,

THC

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7 Responses to Pee-proof parklets provide the answer to homeless housing problem

  1. John Chiv says:

    Guess laughed so hard I peed reading this post would not be a smart move if you coated the comment section with Ultra Ever Dry.

    Like

  2. milldoin says:

    ……and I would like to thank all the little people I trampled getting to where I am today,………
    All joking aside, Larry Doss is our new Harbor Commissioner, Allen and Roberts did not submit enough signatures.
    Watching the meeting on the homeless camp the other night, one thing stood out. Not one person mentioned jobs as a solution to the problem.

    Like

    • Jay says:

      Isn’t that interesting? Jobs have to be the solution, which means our economy needs to get better. Yet the Measure Z committee REFUSED to recommend funding anything that promoted jobs. Sad that we’re so short sighted

      Like

      • John Chiv says:

        Jay, so the new Sheriff’s deputies hired by Measure Z funding as well as Deputy District Attorneys don’t count as jobs? Measure Z was passed for public safety, those jobs fit that criteria.

        Are you a union rep or a County employee already raking in a good living?

        Like

      • milldoin says:

        Throwing other peoples money at things rarely has good results. Some times the best thing to do is to get out of the way.

        Like

    • Lee says:

      Seems like every attempt at boosting the number of jobs in Eureka is met by protests against development. Home Depot would have provided jobs, yet failed due to protests. Walmart, after years of protests against it’s entry, is now Eureka’s largest private sector employer; not to mention Eureka’s largest source of sales tax revenues. Yet, Walmart has announced that it will be relocating to property purchased outside Eureka’s city limits; there goes that tax revenue. Additionally, Sears Holdings has announced that it will be closing the Eureka Sears and Kmart locations early in 2016, along with the McKinleyville Kmart, as Sears Holdings goes bankrupt again. Eureka needs job development set as it’s main priority.
      And, before you get all anti big box on me, explain what jobs you think would be best suited for the homeless of Eureka. What sector of jobs would you train them for, that Eureka already has or could be brought to Eureka to provide employment?
      Just claiming jobs are needed to help end homelessness, without consideration of what type of jobs the homeless would be trained for, gets us nowhere.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Gail O. says:

        If both K-Mart’s and Sear’s close, we are likely to have a larger homeless population. That is a lot of jobs to loose. A large number of the homeless have no interest in anything but drugs, but some of them are anxious to return to a normal life. Jobs are the solution for them. The longer people go without jobs, the more likely they are to head down the wrong path.

        As to the Eureka City Council’s wrong decision, the threat of a loss of their insurance was brought up, but barely discussed by them. Did not seem to be a factor in their decision to not make a decision. I want to hear more details about that. EXACTLY what did their insurance company tell them, and what are they going to do about it? Are they losing their coverage for this site, or is it more than that? If a private citizen created an environmental mess like this, the City would have no problem shutting them down, and fining them. What the City is allowing to continue on their property is like having houses dump their sewage directly into the bay.

        Like

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